Article - Laura Knight-Jadczyk
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Article - Laura Knight-Jadczyk
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Chapter 14
There, at that moment, in the middle of my life, mother to five children for whom I had given most of my life; I saw that not only had I been lying to myself by believing lies and deception, but that I had conveyed those same lies to the people I loved the most - my children. What do you do when you realize that most of your life you have given away your free will and, at the same time, have taken away the free will of those dearest to you? More horrible still, what do you do when you realize it has ALL been done in the name of LOVE?! When the last illusion was stripped away and I was left with nothing but the skeleton of my being, I reached what Kafka describes as Von einem gewissen Punkt gibt es keine RŸckkehr mehr. Dieser Punkt ist zu erreichen. "There is a point of no return. This point has to be reached." When you have been stripped of all your illusions, when you have nothing left to believe in, there is no one there at all but yourself. It felt rather like falling endlessly in icy, black, meaningless space. No rhyme nor reason, no truth or beauty, no anything that I had ever believed in could be seen anywhere. I had peeled away the layers of all the warm, fuzzy, comforting beliefs and found that it was all a lie, a deception, a mask for "feeding and manipulation." And by believing the lies, I had participated in the feeding and manipulating to so great a degree that my grief and regret became an ocean in which I was drowning. No wonder we resist giving up our beliefs! Without them, we have to face the truth about ourselves! And, as much as we think we are loving, caring, giving beings, when we see the TRUTH, when we see that most of our ideas about loving and caring and being have been manipulated to deprive us of our free will and to pass the infection on to those we love the most, it is like looking into the pit of Hell. And when you look into the pit of Hell and realize that you have been feeding that black and bloody, sucking and gaping and gore filled maw waiting to swallow you, and that you have taught those you love to feed it as well, the horror of the realization is enough to drive you mad with grief and despair. And you search for a meaning, some little point of illumination, and there is no light anywhere, not even a single candle to dispel the darkness. On a humorous note, it was at this point that Tom French came to visit me one day and asked me what I really thought about the "alien reality." Well, it was not a very good time to ask me this question! There I was, wrapped in a blanket to ward off the chill that I couldn't seem to shake, constantly wiping the oozing mess that dripped from my eyes, almost unable to speak above a whisper, and that whisper sounding as much like the croaking of a strangled crow than anything, and Tom French wants to know what I think about the "alien reality." Who or what did I think these aliens were? Well, that's like asking the guy who falls out a 4th floor window and is lying broken and dying on the pavement below: "Are ya hurt?!" "Spawn of Satan," I managed to croak. At that moment, I could see no light anywhere. But, while falling in this dark, empty space, something begins to form inside you. In the beginning it is very small, but it catches your attention and, since it is the only thing that is "different" in the sucking, feeding darkness, you become riveted on it. You cannot be sure exactly what it is at first, but your attention gives it energy and it begins to grow inside you. What you have found is your will. The spiritual essence of who you are. And once you have found your will you SEE "the CHOICE." Choice is a function of will. Where Will exists, Choice comes into being. You CAN choose. What you see is that you can choose the ORIENTATION of your soul. You cannot change the reality, but you can choose what YOU will personally DO within it. The way the thought came to me was: "well, okay, I don't see any light or love or truth or beauty anywhere; and the universe may just blink out one day without it ever having really existed. But that would be a tragedy." Desolation overwhelmed me and I felt so great a pity and love for what MIGHT have been - for what radiant and sublime dreams may be in the Mind of God that might never be fulfilled; because the deceptions are so deep, and the reality is so monstrous - who can really SEE it, and survive? And I became aware of the "feather like weight " of my inclination, my True Will to Be. It was not more than an inclination, a propensity, a preference. But as I noted it and focused on it, it became firmer and purposeful. And I realized "I am just one single, solitary, lone being in the darkness, and there really and truly might never, EVER, be anyone or anything in existence of real love, truth and beauty." And the sadness and despair vaulted from my soul into darkness that enveloped me. But nothing answered except that my attention was drawn back, again, to this small thing that was growing inside me which had now begun to glow and give off warmth in that soul-chilling blackness. Somehow my thoughts were making it grow. My thoughts were aligning me with it. Resolution and steadfastness began to blossom. And then I realized that it was connected to some greater source of Light and by my penitential love and compassion for the Dream of Love and Truth, the light was increasing. And I understood that the darkness, the predatory nature of our reality, was ALSO God! Disasters, misfortunes, tragedies, ruin, destruction, adversity, suffering, pain, anguish in all the varied manifestations we find them in our world are expressions of the IDEA of Nonexistence. I understood that the idea of nonexistence exists ONLY as an idea, and ONLY because in a realm of ALL Potentials, even the potential of Non-existence exists as Non-being. In the two fundamental ideas of Being and Non-being, all creation is manifested. In the act of Creation, the outrush of creative energy, half of the Consciousness of God "formed" itself into a reflection of this idea of non-being as part of the Grand Experience. And this reflection of Nonbeing is matter - it is only the half of the Consciousness of God "gone to sleep" to become the clay from which the material Cosmos is formed. I also understood that, in that eternal instant of "falling asleep," of compression, there was a sensation of "loss" in this half of God that became matter, and that this "sensation" is expressed as a recoil, a contraction upon itself. It is this "recoil and contraction" in flux interaction with outraying creative consciousness that establishes the "tension" of polarization which is the dynamic by which the cosmos is manifested. And, in 3rd density terms, this recoil or contraction is the essence of Service to Self - the predator - those who choose this mode ultimately recycle into sleeping matter. The creative consciousness half of God "uses" the matter that is formed by the "recoil/contraction" of the other half of God to take on form, to engage in exploration of all the ideas in the mind of God. This results in an increase it's relative energy. This "using of matter" to increase energy is felt by the sleeping consciousness/matter as "fear of loss of self." To assuage the fear, the "matter oriented consciousness" must circumscribe, limit, and restrain. It must believe that the grand constructions of illusion are not only REAL, but ALL THAT EXISTS. Physicality becomes the standard, the measure, the object of veneration. The Physical Universe is, in effect, God. This is the essential dynamic of all physical or partly physical realities, including the hyperdimensional 4th density STS reality. The moment of true initiation. It seems that, as the great masters teach us, it is not a moment of "great enlightenment." It is not someone who comes to "show us reality." It is not a "seeing all the world as a oneness." It is seeing the self as a liar and a feeder on others. It is measuring the self with TRUTH. It is seeing that the predator has been feeding on the self, that the self has been feeding on others and propagating the infection on to all those who one claims to love and wish to help.
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